Tuesday, January 18, 2011

What I wish they'd told me in childbirth classes

All those breathing exercises and gory videos in Childbirth Class of 1999 did me not one bit of good.  I went to the hospital, they gave me an epidural and a few sweaty hours later, a baby boy came out times 4.  Material they really should have covered:

  • It is developmentally normal for the average 5 year old boy to rip, ruin and/or otherwise dismantle clothing, specifically pants, within the first 10 wearings.

  • Your baby will eventually become a middle schooler, have his own cell phone and communicate primarily through "text messages" that say "Whassup!" "Hey" and "Awesome".

  • It is statistically probable you will want a tummy tuck, boob job or bladder lift in the future.  Start saving now.  $100 a month for 60 months will make a nice dent in the Kindergarten Year Renovation & Reconstruction Fund.  Double that if you have c-sections.

Another day, another story,


The Absence of Alternatives said...

Did you live nearby? Otherwise how did you take a picture of my backside? That's totally me: black t-shirt and jeans are my daily uniform. Thank you for not telling people that it's me. I appreciate the gesture.


tz said...

oh my gosh, did you just copy my son's facebook page :D


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