What I wish they'd told me in childbirth classes

All those breathing exercises and gory videos in Childbirth Class of 1999 did me not one bit of good.  I went to the hospital, they gave me an epidural and a few sweaty hours later, a baby boy came out times 4.  Material they really should have covered:

• It is developmentally normal for the average 5 year old boy to rip, ruin and/or otherwise dismantle clothing, specifically pants, within the first 10 wearings.

• Your baby will eventually become a middle schooler, have his own cell phone and communicate primarily through "text messages" that say "Whassup!" "Hey" and "Awesome".

• It is statistically probable you will want a tummy tuck, boob job or bladder lift in the future.  Start saving now.  $100 a month for 60 months will make a nice dent in the Kindergarten Year Renovation & Reconstruction Fund.  Double that if you have c-sections.

Another day, another story,

Em