There's no way anybody can get it right 100% of the time.
That understood, I tend to think my failures worse than other peoples; they feel like an unrelenting bruise, leaving my heart sore and throbbing for days and weeks.
Mexicanjumpingbain and butterbain share a room. Getting them in bed late - by late I mean 10:45 - on Sunday night, I was past my point of patience. Mainbain wasn't home yet, and everybody was suffering the I want's, I need's, I'm tired's and general whininess. I felt like my spur-of-the-moment-alien-mom decision to finish the movie we'd been watching, instead of going to bed on time, was reaping rotten rewards.
The accusations in my head piled up like freshly stacked wood, drowning out the sweet, albeit a bit whiny-tired voice of MJB. After tucking butterbain into the bottom bunk, I bent to pick something up, simultaneously turning to see the Mexicanjumpingbain's freshly painted sword. Amazed at how beautiful it was, I got busy praising his creativity and color scheme... but shut my mouth in response to his scratchy-trying-not-to-cry-7-year-old-voice: "You're just now noticing that?! I've been asking you too look at it for the last 5 minutes!!!"
Yes. He yelled his teary voice at me, and I totally deserved it. That voice I'd been drowning out? You guessed it. His voice, asking me, then begging me to tell him what I thought of his new masterpiece. To notice him. I hadn't heard him because I was too busy with my own internal dialogue, consumed with all my *supposed* mothering sins, all the while committing one. Epic moment of failure. My soul shriveled from the knowledge of what I'd just done.
He hopped up on the top bunk, turned away from me and blurted good night, which was more of a wouldyoupleaseleavenow? I apologized, smothered him with kisses and stroked his soft, blond hair praying for no lasting soul damage as he drifted off to sleep.
Early the next morning, he awoke with smiles which signified my forgiveness. My heart was still reeling from the harsh thwack of the soul-spanking I received. I obviously need to be snapped back to the present, and remember it's a gift. To what's important...and it's not a list in my head.
I don't have a guarantee for tomorrow, just for right now. And right now I choose to pay attention to their hearts and mine and love them all.